Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to stick my p in your. b.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
