I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
