he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
