3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
