Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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