I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
