hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
