My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
