Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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