I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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