Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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