is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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