i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
