Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
