My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
