I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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