Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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