Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
