Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
