the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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