Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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