He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
