so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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