I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
