I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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