I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
