she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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