You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
zippers are such a cool invention
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
