Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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