her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
