he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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