I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
