How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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