I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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