I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
