is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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