Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
