FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
