woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
