worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My dick has a subreddit
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
