I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We are all done wearing pants today
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
