Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
