Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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