why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
