i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
