You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
