I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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