I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He did a backflip because drugs
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