You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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