What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
