I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs speak an international language.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize