We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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