A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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