i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
