remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
