I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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