so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
