just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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