note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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