DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
